Hey you! Are you in a metal band? Are you tired of having to deal with bass players? They’re shitty and can barely ever remember to practice, right? They’re so stupid!
Here’s a few quick tips on how to replace them and join the rest of the metal scene in the future!
Tons of bands have been seen using backing tracks during their live sets. Sometimes even for bass parts! It’s totally okay! It gives the important people (three guitarists, vocalist) more room to move and show off what people are really at the show to see. Never worry again, just use your parents’ money to buy a MacBook and then have one of your guitarists record bass parts that are entirely root notes for every song. This will immediately push you to the forefront of modern metal!
2. Tune Lower!
A lot of bands have already been doing this for years. But did you know that if you tune low enough, you’re basically in the same range that a bass would normally play in? It’s great! Now you just need to buy an extended range guitar (preferably an 8-string or more) and all of your riffs will sound better without a bass behind them! Never worry again about having some idiot at rehearsal talking about “frequency ranges” or saying that you “can’t hear” them in your album mix! It’s just guitars, baby!
3. Another Guitarist!
Are you in a band with 2 guitarists? Why not 3? Already have 3? Might as well even it out with 4! More guitarists means more riffs, which means better music! Bass does not find its way into this formula because having even 1 bass player is too many! So grab 3 more guitarists and remember that this will get you more recognition!
4. Another Guitarist But Playing Bass!
This can sometimes be looked at as a “bad thing” (mostly by dorks who play bass lmao) but it’s not! This is usually just for looks, so it doesn’t matter if the guitarist playing bass is even good at it! But how could they not be? It’s just a guitar with less strings. Fucking stupid to even think it’s not. Also you can just keep them unplugged if you want, nobody will care!
5. Just Don’t!
Why even replace the bass player? Just get more guitarists, maybe a keyboard player, two vocalists, or any other number of real musicians in your band! It’s that simple. You won’t have to deal with some fuckin’ idiot talking about his newest Darkglass pedal (which sounds the same as every other one he has) or how “nobody has given real recognition to a bass player since Job For A Cowboy’s Sun Eater dropped in 2014”. Blech! Who fucking cares! It’s not a guitar, bozo!